Inside Out
Do you ever stop and think about the way you process your emotions? I don't think it will be a surprise to anyone reading this that I spend a good deal of time thinking not only about what I feel, but how and why I feel them the way I do. In fact I let this blog post sit in drafts far longer than usual because I wanted to make sure it was as clear as possible.
My conclusion? I live my life inside out.
Inside out. The title of a great Pixar movie, yes, but also the way my mental processes work. When I have an interaction with someone or something my true feelings about it often stay inside for a long time before they work themselves out. All the while Joy, Sadness, Anger, Disgust, Fear and all my other emotions run around my internal switchboard adjusting things until I'm ready to let my feelings show. Sometimes this takes only moments, sometimes days, sometimes longer.
It'd be so nice to go one whole day without constantly analyzing everything I feel and why I feel it and what it means. Simply to wake up and be would be such a joy.
It's no secret at this point that I feel most at home when I am alone. I am full, I know how to rejuvenate and take care of myself. Is this what's best for me in the long term? That's still up for debate. So I'm learning to find ways to be with other people that feed me in a different way and doesn't compromise my self relationship. The struggle is real.
It's so eye opening now to hear other people talk about their essential need to be alone. It eases my mind and makes me feel better. For much of my life, I wasn't able to identify this feeling I had. When I felt a compulsive need to go against the social grain or to opt out of group activities I simply thought there was something wrong with me. Now I know differently, and I'm beginning to find communities both in real life and online that support me. But I still live my life inside out.
Blogging often helps with my inside out-ness. It provides an opportunity to speed up my internal workings and clear my thoughts. Others times, like now, for instance, there's an extra film over my mind and vision, and I can't quite work my way through to get to my point.
I come down hard on myself in these situations, which helps not at all, but I'm doing better. For me patience is key. Yes, each day is important, but not so important that it's worth beating yourself up over.
For everyone else out there trying to figure out your process what have you discovered?! -xo Sydney
My conclusion? I live my life inside out.
Inside out. The title of a great Pixar movie, yes, but also the way my mental processes work. When I have an interaction with someone or something my true feelings about it often stay inside for a long time before they work themselves out. All the while Joy, Sadness, Anger, Disgust, Fear and all my other emotions run around my internal switchboard adjusting things until I'm ready to let my feelings show. Sometimes this takes only moments, sometimes days, sometimes longer.
It'd be so nice to go one whole day without constantly analyzing everything I feel and why I feel it and what it means. Simply to wake up and be would be such a joy.
It's no secret at this point that I feel most at home when I am alone. I am full, I know how to rejuvenate and take care of myself. Is this what's best for me in the long term? That's still up for debate. So I'm learning to find ways to be with other people that feed me in a different way and doesn't compromise my self relationship. The struggle is real.
It's so eye opening now to hear other people talk about their essential need to be alone. It eases my mind and makes me feel better. For much of my life, I wasn't able to identify this feeling I had. When I felt a compulsive need to go against the social grain or to opt out of group activities I simply thought there was something wrong with me. Now I know differently, and I'm beginning to find communities both in real life and online that support me. But I still live my life inside out.
Blogging often helps with my inside out-ness. It provides an opportunity to speed up my internal workings and clear my thoughts. Others times, like now, for instance, there's an extra film over my mind and vision, and I can't quite work my way through to get to my point.
I come down hard on myself in these situations, which helps not at all, but I'm doing better. For me patience is key. Yes, each day is important, but not so important that it's worth beating yourself up over.
For everyone else out there trying to figure out your process what have you discovered?! -xo Sydney
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