We Are Not Confused

Disclaimer: Before you read this, check your privilege.  Your male privilege, your white privilege, your financial privilege, all of it.  Just take a minute, place it on a shelf and really take this in.

I had a conversation this weekend that really stuck with me.  I've been worrying away at it and trying to find clarity but I still feel deeply troubled and unsettled by it.

When discussing the current allegations of sexual assault surrounding the Supreme Court nominee, which are disheartening enough, when referring to assault Survivors one of our number implied that they must be confused. Confused. They actually used that word!

This stunned me.  That someone so close to me, someone in the inner circle of my life could utter those words.  I'm still hurt by it.  Because this is a kind loving person, not a belligerent right-wing talking head.  HOW in 2018 can decent, kind men, kind people still not fucking get it?! Confused?!

We are afraid, ashamed, sad, angry, but trust me, we are not confused.

If you call us confused, you might as well go back to shutting women away in asylums for being on their period or expressing unpopular opinions.

It's difficult to see people in positions of power who we've grown to trust accused of sexual assault. Full stop. Watching your heroes fall off their pedestal, no matter the circumstances is hurtful. It happens to all of us at some point; that moment you realize your dad is not actually a superhero who can solve all the worlds problems, he's just another dude.

But stop for a minute, and imagine what it must be like to see your attacker rise to a position of power.  Of any kind.  To know what they have done to you, whether it be verbal assault, or rape, to know what they are capable of and feel powerless to take action.

People often worry about what accusations like this will do to the reputation, livelihood, and family of the accused.  But what about the mental health, livelihood, and family of the survivors? What possible potential of theirs was snuffed out due to the trauma they endured?

People say, "Why do they come forward now? Why not before? How could they possibly remember an incident from 20+ years ago?"

STOP. Before you open your mouth to question a survivor stop and listen to what they have to say. Listen to their story, listen to their pain, listen to their words. Because I promise you there is nothing casual about their words or their decision to share their story with you.

Then, before you begin to poke holes in their story, STOP. And give them the same benefit of the doubt abusers almost always receive.

Just because someone doesn't report it at the time, doesn't mean it didn't happen.  It simply means they lack the courage, strength, support, it requires to lay their soul bare. Which is no small feat.

Meanwhile, abusers get to go on with their lives as if nothing really happened, because horribly, sometimes they don't realize the acts they committed weren't ok.  The catcalls, the ass smacks, the sexual comments we endure every day are sexual assault.  And gone unreported can have ripple effects far greater than we know.

Sitting here writing this now I am struggling with how much to say, how to phrase it to get my point across without seeming too emotional, too crass, so people will actually hear it.  How can I possibly make my overwhelming thoughts clear enough that you will take the time to care? Even worse? I'm afraid to publish this in the event someone may riddle out who started this conversation and they may have to further explain their views! I am a survivor caught in the very trap I'm trying to illuminate, and I'm sick of it.

This space is no Washington Post, it is no New Yorker, and I am no match for the many celebrity voices drawing attention to this injustice.  But I know my voice is just as important, especially in this community.  I am your daughter, your sister, your friend, your co-worker, your customer, I am a face you know and I am telling you all we need to do better.

#TimesUp on turning a blind eye, on making excuses, on blaming women.  The time has come to #BelieveSurvivors.

Thank you for listening.  You may now resume your privilege.  May it be with clearer eyes and a more open heart. - xo Sydney