Braving the Wilderness

Let me tell you a story... About 6 months after I moved to New York City I began taking voice lessons from a lovely woman named Molly.  Years later, I began to work for Molly and her business partner Kevin as the Admin for their company, NYC Vocal Studio.  Over that time, we laughed, I cried, we scrambled to book studio time for last minute lessons.  But most importantly, we discovered relationships of true belonging. 

In the spirit of those friendships, and our mutual obsession with Oprah's Super Soul Sunday Conversations, we decided to start a book club! For our first book, we turned back to the woman who brought us the language of true belonging in the first place, Dr. Brene Brown and her new book Braving the Wilderness! 

I won't go into our private conversation here, but I will say that what struck me most was how much listening we did to each other. Though I felt at times like I was doing a lot of talking, I spent just as much time listening. Opening my heart to my friend’s feelings and opinions.  And that, truly, is what had me walking on air all day.

Rather than give you an in-depth analysis of the book I'm going to hit some bullet points that jumped out at me along the way and have stuck with me since.  Don't worry, this will be book reporty, but that's who I am and I honor that. 

Ch. 1: Everywhere and Nowhere

- "You are only free when you realize you belong no place - you belong everyplace - no place at all.  The price is high. The reward is great." Dr. Maya Angelu. This quote is at the root of Brown's research and stuck to my bones in such a real way.  I will hold on to it forever. 

- “I need a permission slip to stop being so serious and afraid. I need permission to have fun today.” Permission slips! We write young children permission slips for school activities, so why can't we write ourselves a free pass every once in a while? Our problems won't go away, but we can give ourselves permission to step away for a few hours, better equipping ourselves to deal with them.  I'm adding Permission Slips to my self-care toolbox post haste!

- "What do you do when you’ve spent the majority of your life moving to try and fit in and all of a sudden Maya Angelou is singing to you and telling you not to be moved? You learn how to plant your damn feet is what you do. You bend and stretch and grow, but you commit to not moving form who you are."

Ch 2: The Quest for True Belonging

- Belonging = Self-acceptance. Woah. Just take a minute and let that sit with you.  

- “`If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path.  Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.’” You make your own path.  You must choose each step you take. I love the feeling of freedom this brings to me.

Ch 3: High Lonesome: A Spiritual Crisis

- "Without connection of collective engagement, what we hear is simply a caged song of sorrow and despair; we find no liberation in it.  It's the sharing of art that whispers, 'You're not alone." I connect so deeply with this sentiment. This is why I write. 

- Give people the benefit of the doubt. I need to be better at this.

- "Our national conversation is centered on 'What should we fear?' and "Who should we blame?'" FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. So much of our behavior is a reaction to fear.  Why are we not talking about this?

Ch 4: People Are Hard to Hate Close Up: Move In.

- "We want to harm a group of people, but it goes against our wiring as members of a social species to actually harm, kill, torture, or degrade other humans." So, we use language to make them feel less than human, hurting them all the same.  Of course, this is why we do it. Just eye-opening.

-"The point is that we are all vulnerable to the slow and insidious practice of dehumanizing, therefore we are all responsible for recognizing it and stopping it."

- I live this every day.  Here in the Midwest, I am up close and personal to people with opposing opinions every single day.  How lucky am I? I get the opportunity to hear them, to see them, to hug them close, and open my mind to other realities. 

-"Operating in our integrity" We're in it. Already there.  It's a state of being, not an action. The challenge is maintaining the equilibrium.

-"Imagine that ... after a meaningful conversation, two people could actually have increased mutual understanding, greater mutual respect, and better connection, but still completely disagree." That's the dream. 

- "I choose to focus on 'conflict transformation' suggesting that by creatively navigating the conversational landscape of differences and disagreements, we have the opportunity to create something new." Creation rather than continued conflict. What an incredible idea!

- "Listen with desire to learn more about the other person's perspective... 'Tell me more'...'Help me understand'...We have to listen to understand in the same way we want to be understood."

Viola Fucking Davis - Is it just me, or can you all hear these quotes in her voice as you read them? That's part of the reason it all hit home for me.  She's so authentically her. 

- "I want to be transparent and translucent. For that to work, I won't own other people's shortcomings and criticisms. I won't put what you say about me on my load." AMEN!

- "We all need to be seen and honored in the same way that we all need to breathe." Oh Viola, we're gonna need more wine. 

- "This is who I am. This is where I am from. This is my mess. This is what it means to belong to myself." 

Clearly, Chapter 4 really hit home with me.

Ch 5: Speak Truth to Bullshit. Be Civil

- "It's helpful to think of lying as a defiance of the truth and bullshitting as a wholesale dismissal of the truth." I hadn't realized until now how truly different the two are. Woah. Bullshitting is the fear manifesting its self into speech. 

           

- "In a fitting-in culture...curiosity is seen as weakness and asking questions equates to antagonism rather than being valued as learning." YES YES YES! Can we stop throwing the word "intellectual" around like a weapon or an insult? 

- Civility. Just treat human beings like human beings. 

- "What's tough about the inclusive language movement is when people turn using the right language into a weapon to shame or belittle people...Even tools of civility can become weaponized if the intention is there. Hello Ms. Austen.

- "To know you can navigate the wilderness on your own - to know that you can stay true to your beliefs, trust yourself, and survive it - that is true belonging.

Ch 6: Hold Hands with Strangers

- "Show up for collective moments of joy and pain so we can actually bear witness to inextricable human connection...We have to catch enough glimpses of people connecting to one another and having fun together that we believe it's true and possible for all of us." There is so much of this in a city like New York.  Almost daily you can feel the collective mood shift based on world events or celebrations within the city. It has the power to truly move and heal you. When I actively participate in such moments I always leave with a renewed sense of relevance in the world. That's something I miss. 

- "When all that binds us is what we believe rather than who we are, changing our mind or challenging the collective ideology is risky." Ooo this can be so scary.  But it's times like this when relationships you've missed can jump out when you least expect them. You can find who you truly are in these moments.

Ch 7: Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart

- "A soft and open front is not being weak; it's being brave, it's being the wilderness."

- "They matter because joy matters... And we can't give people what we don't have." Self-Care. There it is again.  For anyone who dismisses this practice as Millennial mumbo jumbo.  Tell me more, help me understand why you feel that way. 

- "A wild heart is awake to the pain in the world, but does not diminish its own pain."

- "True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness.  True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are." !!!!!!!!!!

-"'Not belonging at school is really hard. But it's nothing compared to what it feels like when you don't belong at home.' -Not living up to your parents' expectations - Not being as cool or popular as your parents want you to be - Not being good at the same things your parents were good at - Your parents being embarrassed because you don't have enough friends or you're not an athlete or a cheerleader - Your parents not liking who you are and what you like to do - When your parents don't pay attention to your life." I did not see this one coming, and it hit me hard. This sums up so much of what I felt as a child and many of my behaviors as an adult.  I'm going to be unpacking this one for a while.

This conversation left me smiling from ear to ear.  We only spoke for about 45 min, but in that time, I felt heard and seen with a level of understanding that defies words.  Like I said to Jerico, "Your soul can't help but feel good after spending time with people like that."

I'm only realizing it now, but this book gave me so much hope. It opened my heart and my mind to new ways of thinking and made me feel powerful to effect change. 

I gained so much insight and knowledge from reading this book.  Something I'm continuing to think about is, "How do we put our newfound knowledge into action and stay accountable long after we've turned the last page?" - xo Sydney