Something's Missing

When I find myself in this space, it's because I have something specific to say.  Rather than simply spilling my feelings or rambling on, I come to you with a clear purpose, a mission, or at least an honest question we can work through together. Today, I fall short of that standard.  I am lost in a quagmire with no seeming escape route. But I find I can't wait for clarity to let these words loose.

Something’s missing

And I don't know how to fix it.

Something’s missing, something within me is broken. My blindness to it is complete and yet it seems those around me can see it with crystalline clarity. I have everything a person could want, and yet… 

Something's missing

And I don't know what it is.

Today is what I call a drowning day.  I’m keeping my head above water, but barely. No distraction exists which could keep me from myself. This needing, this wanting, this missing is maddening. 

No I don't know what it is

At all

How long can this go on? How long can this obscurus continue to abide inside me before I lose it altogether? My soul is reforming its self in the crucible of this deep and lingering sadness. What will it look like when it finally emerges; when this fog releases its grip and allows me to take even one clear, cool deep breath.

I can't be sure that this state of mind

Is not of my own design.

How do you win a battle which your mind is fighting against its self? I am earth-shatteringly, bone-chillingly lonely.  Yet each act of kindness, each friendly word fails to penetrate the invisible barrier that surrounds me.  To convince me that I am in communion with others rather than a burden to them.

I wish there was an over the counter test for loneliness

For loneliness like this.

I'm exhausted by myself, by the missing piece of me I can't seem to identify.  I talk myself in circles like the Mad Hatter trying to ferret it out. I have friends, money, health, family, and yet I feel empty. Devoid of passion or direction. Each time I think I've found a route to relief, the rug gets pulled out from under me and I find I'm right back where I started. Dizzy from the fall, from the exit of hope. So full of hope I was just a short time ago.

"What came first, the music or the misery?" Right now, music hurts as much as it helps, but it's about the only thing helping me to understand what's going on in my head. My mind feels like this piece.  Thoughts of my own spliced together with music and lyrics by someone who explains me far more eloquently than I ever could. In this case, John Mayer's Something's Missing. This place too, knowing I have this space to let loose my tangled words is a comfort to me.

Let me please stress this, I am ok.  I continue to get up, to move, to work, to search for the missing. So far, this is what I've got. -xo Sydney