All That Followed: A Return to New York

I left New York traumatized, unwell, and unsure what my life was going to look like.  I had given up my dream, and after that, what's left?  I've spent a lot of time these past two years running through my life there in my head, remembering all the things that got me down, and trying to parse out how I could have been better.  I wondered, when I returned, how much of that would come back to me.  Would I be traumatized all over again simply by going back?

Since returning to Missouri I have had zero urge to visit New York.  In my eyes, that chapter of my life was closed.  Plus, there are so many places I have yet to explore, why look back when I can move forward?!!

But when my father called me two weeks ago asking if I'd like to tag along on his trip, there was not a single beat of hesitation in my heart.  "Yes!" I said! All of my fears slipped away and I yearned to have my thoughts swallowed up by the noise on the city streets to wrap my arms around the people I love most. It was time to go Home. And I did.

With each shop, restaurant, and street I re-visited I was greeted by memories.  Surprisingly to me, with each one I would smile remembering the person I was then, and swell slightly with pride at the person I am now.  Also, giving past Sydney a little more of the credit she rightly deserves.

After such a whirlwind weekend surviving on Coffee, Cocktails, and Zzzquil I spent all day Sunday trying to put into words how this weekend made me feel. It came to me, finally, during my meditation on Monday.  I feel so privileged to have friends who show me a reflection of the person I hope to be in their eyes and in their hearts.  I feel like the Grinch whose heart grew three sizes in one day. My cup overflows. So do my eyes.

It's incredible to me how much stronger my relationships with each member of my NY Family are today than when I moved away two years ago.  The honor to be chosen by them is astonishing to me. To put in the extra effort of long-distance communication is not easy, yet there I was standing in front of six beautiful souls who choose me every day.

Dorothy Parker put it perfectly, "Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship."

The photo above (one of only a few I managed to snap this weekend) captures me pretty perfectly. A blur of movement.  A little fuzzy around the edges, and fueled by red lipstick.

Despite my fears, upon my return, New York showed me nothing but love, inspiration, and joy. We can never go back to before, but we can, I'm happy to report, go Home again. - xo Sydney