Supine Woman
For the last few weeks, I've been working through a lot of gunk. I feel the need to have the answers, to be content, to appear happy. But just because my life has progressed from where it was a year ago doesn't mean I need to feel those feelings or have it all figured out! I'm really struggling with remaining fluid and open to change in this season of seeming equilibrium. And to a certain extent, I've been avoiding dealing with these creeping feelings for far too long. But why?
Even as I'm typing this I'm thinking, "I better come up with some profound insight by the end of this post, or what's the point?" How ridiculous is that? Who do I think I am, Oprah? I publish here because writing helps me give voice to my feelings and understand myself better. Or at least explore new possibilities on the way to understanding. So if all I do is talk myself in circles and leave it at that, that's enough. Right? You all may stop reading halfway through, but I'll have gotten it off my chest.
Lately, I feel like I'm grasping at something, everything. Like my arms are constantly outstretched and if I could just reach a little farther it would be enough. But nothing is enough. No matter what I close my hands around, whether it be a book, a cat, or a bowl of cookie dough it's never enough. I know from experience that reaching out is not the answer, but I'm at a loss for answers inside as well. I desire comfort but feel only emptiness. A numbness pervades my body, my mind. It's as if I'm avoiding something like there's a shoe about to drop, but I can't say what. I'm spiritually adrift. Lost in a dense either without a tether to bring me home. I lack a willingness to either take action or remain complacent. I yearn to simply be to feel normal in my own skin, but I don't know what that is anymore.
I walk around with a constant lightness in my head and a tightness in my chest. Both screaming at me that something's not right, yet no wrong reveals its self. My one true desire is to simply lie in bed in the fetal position and re-watch all of The West Wing in one go.
With each day that passes my frustration increases, as does my apathy. And there's nothing I hate more in this world than apathy. Well, not much. I'm not asking for a solution, maybe just a flicker of light that will help me get up off the proverbial floor and resume living my life like a human instead of the ghost I feel like. Until such a time, I am Supine Woman. - xo Sydney
Even as I'm typing this I'm thinking, "I better come up with some profound insight by the end of this post, or what's the point?" How ridiculous is that? Who do I think I am, Oprah? I publish here because writing helps me give voice to my feelings and understand myself better. Or at least explore new possibilities on the way to understanding. So if all I do is talk myself in circles and leave it at that, that's enough. Right? You all may stop reading halfway through, but I'll have gotten it off my chest.
Lately, I feel like I'm grasping at something, everything. Like my arms are constantly outstretched and if I could just reach a little farther it would be enough. But nothing is enough. No matter what I close my hands around, whether it be a book, a cat, or a bowl of cookie dough it's never enough. I know from experience that reaching out is not the answer, but I'm at a loss for answers inside as well. I desire comfort but feel only emptiness. A numbness pervades my body, my mind. It's as if I'm avoiding something like there's a shoe about to drop, but I can't say what. I'm spiritually adrift. Lost in a dense either without a tether to bring me home. I lack a willingness to either take action or remain complacent. I yearn to simply be to feel normal in my own skin, but I don't know what that is anymore.
I walk around with a constant lightness in my head and a tightness in my chest. Both screaming at me that something's not right, yet no wrong reveals its self. My one true desire is to simply lie in bed in the fetal position and re-watch all of The West Wing in one go.
With each day that passes my frustration increases, as does my apathy. And there's nothing I hate more in this world than apathy. Well, not much. I'm not asking for a solution, maybe just a flicker of light that will help me get up off the proverbial floor and resume living my life like a human instead of the ghost I feel like. Until such a time, I am Supine Woman. - xo Sydney
Thank you for sharing your real and honest feelings Syd. Life is not easy and I applaud you for being real. There is not enough of that in the world currently. You are a BRIGHT light in my life. You are always bringing such positivity, joy, and love to others- don't forget to give some to your self. It's so easy to be our biggest critic and mean judge. Give yourself some slack and remember we are all human. So in times when you are feeling low and just like "WHAT THE HELL LIFE!?!?!"- remember how amazingly talented, smart, funny, important, and just all around special you are. Thank you for all you give of yourself to help others. Love you loads and loads. xx
ReplyDeleteThank you for the love Rachael. I'll hold it close. xo
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